Today I wanted to run away. To hide from all that my life has become and pretend that it was never so.
My heart metaphorically aches constantly, and my head literally aches along with it. I feel as though everything around me is crumbling and I can't pick up the pieces fast enough. I can't possibly hold it all together and the most devastating part is- I don't even feel like i'm trying very hard. I feel like the laziest person on the planet. My energy level, my emotional and mental capacities are all at zero. Even my spiritual resources, which have always been my shield and my sword get me no further than the occasional, 'oh God please, no more!'
If I could only find one good thing. One thing that felt like it might not fall apart at any moment. But I can't.
Marriage -That's pretty much salt already
Finance- I keep scraping and pulling and writing down and begging but still end up borrowing
Health- My weight is at an all time high and rising, I haven't eaten a fruit or vegetable in months, I can't walk up a flight of stairs and my head feels like theirs a knife stuck in it... need I go on?
Work- To have been working for almost 3 years we have only a hand full of participants, few who have moved forward at all and we don't even have the budget to make the year
Family- They're all falling apart and criticizing each other and me and themselves and I can't even
Friendships- The few I have, surely can't survive the mess I'm making of my life for long
So why not run away. How else does one start over? Why is there no such thing as a clean slate? All I have the strength to do today is cry out to God once more:
Hide me under the shadow of your wing!! (I'm glad its a strong wing cause there is an avalanche threatening to fall on my head.)
