How the gold has lost its luster, the fine gold become dull! The sacred gems are scattered at every street corner. Lamentations 4:1

Everything seems dull. Less sharp.  I do not weep, I do not curse, I do not even sigh with relief.  I merely am.  

My head is spinning in circles. My dreams are plagued with the anxieties of my waking life. I feel overwhelmed and completely unsure. 

God, where is my miracle?  Is it wrong to still hope for it?  

I still see the beauty of the man I married.  Though he showed that beauty so seldom, I still think of it, hope for it, almost expect it. 

But now, I am trapped.  Trapped in my own madness.  Locked inside of a body and mind that refuse to yield to the crushing of this circumstance. What might yielding lead to? 

I am desperate for someone to understand, to hear what I cannot say, to feel what I cannot allow myself to feel. Yet, in the midst of the desperation I also long for solitude, and quiet.  I long for distraction and for stillness.  

Nothing makes sense right now, everything is dull and I simply am.  Maybe in these ruins I will somehow see the glory of God in his mysterious ways. 

Hide me under the shadow of your wing. Psalm 17:8

Today I wanted to run away.  To hide from all that my life has become and pretend that it was never so.

My heart metaphorically aches constantly, and my head literally aches along with it.  I feel as though everything around me is crumbling and I can't pick up the pieces fast enough.  I can't possibly hold it all together and the most devastating part is- I don't even feel like i'm trying very hard.  I feel like the laziest person on the planet.  My energy level, my emotional and mental capacities are all at zero.  Even my spiritual resources, which have always been my shield and my sword get me no further than the occasional, 'oh God please, no more!'

If I could only find one good thing.  One thing that felt like it might not fall apart at any moment.  But I can't.

Marriage -That's pretty much salt already
Finance- I keep scraping and pulling and writing down and begging but still end up borrowing
Health- My weight is at an all time high and rising, I haven't eaten a fruit or vegetable in months, I can't walk up a flight of stairs and my head feels like theirs a knife stuck in it... need I go on?
Work- To have been working for almost 3 years we have only a hand full of participants, few who have moved forward at all and we don't even have the budget to make the year
Family- They're all falling apart and criticizing each other and me and themselves and I can't even
Friendships- The few I have, surely can't survive the mess I'm making of my life for long

So why not run away.  How else does one start over?  Why is there no such thing as a clean slate?  All I have the strength to do today is cry out to God once more:

Hide me under the shadow of your wing!! (I'm glad its a strong wing cause there is an avalanche threatening to fall on my head.)

I have gone astray like a lost sheep; Seek Your servant, For I do not forget Your commandments. Psalm 119:176

I feel lost.  I feel like I am wandering continuously desperately searching for something, and I don't even know what it is, I can only hope I will know it when I find it.  Is is rest I am searching for? Is it peace?  Is it happiness or friendship or purpose understanding?  I don't know and I literally feel that I could pull my hair out and make throw things and take a baseball bat to a bunch of glass stuff.

I really do feel crazy.  I feel like I am losing my mind and, well, whose to say that I'm not.

There is a distinct possibility that my husband may have a personality disorder.  His reactions to the things that have gone on in the past couple of months are not natural human behaviors.  Even if you allow for extreme pride and selfishness factors there are some realities that don't seem to reach all the way into his understanding.  I don't know what to do with this information but I recently found myself wondering, if he has a personality disorder what is wrong with me?

What is wrong with the person who begs to be apologized to?  What is wrong with the person who sets very lenient boundaries and then pushes them back even further when they are crossed?  What is wrong with the person who keeps convincing herself that she has given up and is finished trying to make things better and then finds herself wallowing in a puddle of broken hope?  What is wrong with the person who sees a massage and decides that the proof must lead to sex, or sees a conversation and decides that the proof must lead to a relationship?

Is there something wrong with me?  Is this all on me?  Am I crazy? Am I unlovable?  Is there a reason I feel so lost and lonely and breathless all the time?  Am I broken?

 Am I broken enough yet to start bing pieced back together by the Savior?  

My face is flushed from weeping, And on my eyelids is the shadow of death Job 16:16

I wonder if Hosea ever sat in the kitchen floor weeping?  Did he despair that the woman God called him to love rejected him at every turn?  Did he lose hope and resign himself to a life of misery through obedience?

These are the questions that I've been asking myself over and over since yesterday.  I wish that I had more insight into how Hosea felt about his obedience.  I am sure that we don't because that was not the point that God was trying to make at all.  But last night I felt my heart truly break and now I am not sure that it will ever be the same.

I tried to come home.  I decided to strive for forgiveness and reconciliation.  I knew it wouldn't be perfect but I thought that we had made some progress in truth telling and his desire to change.  Then I tried to come home.  As soon as he felt 'safe' that I was on my way back it was like every conversation we've had for the past 3 weeks never happened.  I was insulted and berated and accused...and I sat in my kitchen floor and wept, for hours.

It wasn't the insults that broke me though, it wasn't the accusations.... what finally did it was the realization that this marriage, and this man would never be what I've hoped and prayed for them to be.  I'm not saying that things might not get better, maybe, just that my husband will never be capable of loving me in the way that I imagine love to be.  He will never choose me first, he will never fight for me, he will never try to understand my perspective in a disagreement.  Those of course are the big ones, but there is also the pain in knowing that he will never surprise me with gifts or shower me with compliments, he will never be the doting husband who wants nothing more than a life of adventure with his wife.  My dear husband will never be or do anything of those things, and because, of course, he is the only husband I will ever have, I will never experience the kind of love that truly makes you feel worthy, or valuable.

I have not lost sight of the Truth.  I am aware that my value and worth must come only from my Father God.  I know in my heart that His love and desire for me are great and that I should bask and live only in that reality.  But I'll be honest, I'm just not there right now. Yes I feel guilty and shameful that I long for my husband to offer me what God has given me to overflowing.  Yes I wish desperately that I could wake up to the reality of Christ's love and how little we need anything else in the world.  But, oh, how I wanted to feel loved.

I wanted to see a look in his eyes that told me that I would never feel lonely again.  I wanted to hear in his voice the calm assurance that I was enough.  I wanted to think that if he had to he would work 14 years as a servant just to claim me.  I wanted to believe him when he said I was the most important thing in the world to him.

Maybe this is a good thing.  Maybe this break in my heart is a breakthrough for my faith.  Maybe now that I know for sure that I will never have what I wanted from my marriage I will be more diligent in looking for it from my Saviour.  Maybe God will take this hole that threatens to devour me and fill it up with the peace that surpasses understanding and joy unspeakable and full of glory.  Maybe now that I have nothing left, he will come to my rescue and I will reach for him and never ever let go.

Oh God, if only I could make this pain go away.  I couldn't even go home to face my parents because I know that I am not well.  My heart is sunken deep into the pit of despair and it would not be fair for them to see me work through such suffering. And so I sit in the middle of the house that should hold such joy and laughter and I weep, and I pray that God would finally allow me to come home and end my losing battle with trying to be holy in this life.

I do not know what comes next.  I don't know if I can continue to live face to face with the disinterest that threatens to undo me completely.  I don't know if I can live with walking away and giving up.  I don't know how long it will be before God renews my strength to make it through the day, or else my mind cracks like my heart and I can no longer manage daily life.

O God, come quickly and rescue me from my despair.  Lift me from this pit and wrap me in the shawl of your hope.  Place my hearts eye on you and you alone and fill me with the strength of your hope.

Even so... Hallelujah

Whoever digs a pit will fall into it. Proverbs 26:27

That's me, a pit digger, and today I am licking my wounds.

I thought things were going to change, maybe not everything and immediately, but I finally felt like maybe he would try.  Like maybe he really was sorry.  Like maybe he would choose me. I dug myself a pit of hopeful maybe's and I let myself tumble right down to the bottom of it.

And here I stay, at the bottom of my pit, but the hopeful has become hopeless,  and the maybes are only here to mock me.  The worst part is I feel like I've been in this exact same pit before!  This same pit, in fact is where I met my husband and thought him to be a hero, come to pull me out of it.

When I was in Kenya my biggest struggles were with a group of village elders.  I would meet quite frequently with these men and always, in the large group, their response was positive and their favorite phrase was, 'Its's ok!'  (which means: yes lets do that)  But ALWAYS at the end of our group meetings someone was delegated to come to me one on one and break the news, 'but lets still talk about this.' (which means: we actually don't agree and don't want you to move forward)  This was my reality for nearly a year.  A reality which cost me my sanity, my health, my reputation, and my confidence.  This is a reality that, still today, threatens to undo me at every turn.

So today, when the response to my terms for returning to our home was 'It's ok, but lets still talk about this' I fell into the darkest pit my gut could conjure and now I feel more broken than when I started.

Mankind is, by nature, a selfish species.  I am no exception to that rule and fight daily against the nature that screams for self and only whispers where others are concerned.  Because I so fear this dangerous sin I am highly susceptible to suggestions that my desires and even needs stem from selfishness.  But how can it be selfish to ask to be chosen by the one who already claimed to do so?  Is it truly selfish to ask to be considered of higher value than a felt covered table and an addictive (expensive) beverage?  How could it be selfish to ask that someone prefer time with their spouse over time spent at a bar? The same bar that lead to hundreds of sleepless nights. The bar that witnessed the destruction of the character of the man I love.  The bar that served my husband his last drink right before he was arrested for driving while intoxicated.  That same bar that introduced my husband to the girl he would pursue in a way that would destroy my ability to trust, or feel wanted, or feel sane.

I'm not so naive.  I know that this is not selfish but, oh, how my heart aches for a different response.  My heart aches for a repentance that leads not only to the end of weekend extravagance, but to kneeling, tear stained apologies.  A repentance that fills my heart with the acceptance that I was not at fault and that I did deserve more than I was given.  A repentance that leads to restoration that leads to re-creation.

At the bottom of my hopeless pit of maybes, my heart aches.  

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him Psalm 37:7

This is my struggle.  I have not waited patiently for my Lord.  I have begged and pleaded for the answers I hope for and then I have interjected myself into the situation, trying to manipulate the response I desire.  Oh, how selfish and unfaithful I am.

I want my marriage back.  Correction: I want A marriage back, not the one I left, but a good and holy and happy one.  Is it wrong of me to want this so badly?  Is it not in line with the word and will of God that I have such a union?  No, this is not wrong of me.  But it cannot be my first priority!  I have so often blurred the lines between wanting a good marriage and wanting a Godly husband.  I must choose his salvation first!

And here is what I am learning, my deepest struggle.  It will not be me that leads my husband back to Christ and a Godly life.  It will not be me that convicts and forgives his sin.  I am merely a wife, a companion on this earth.  I AM NOT HIS GOD.  It is only God who can convict the sinner of his sin and lead him through the process of repentance.  It is only God that can call my husband out of this darkness that surrounds him and into the light of truth and faith. My attempts to force such revelations and reactions in my husband have only served to anger him and further separate us.

Even now, writing this and knowing it in my heart to be true I am struggling.  I know that if my husband could only see the truth about the life he is leading, if he could allow his pride to fall just enough to truly feel the pain he has caused then we could begin the path to healing.  A path I am yearning to take even now, today.  But it won't be today.  When it begins it won't be because of me.

I must learn to take my begging and pleading before the Lord and leave it there.  I have to remember the God is always faithful to His promises and that He knows what he has designed for my good in this life.  I do not get to, nor should I desire to, decide such things for myself.  I can only pray that God would call to my husbands heart in a way I have been unable to, in a way only the King-Romancer can, and that he will respond in a way that brings him back to Christ and back to me.

Remember my trouble and my traveling from place to place, the wormwood and bitter feelings. Lamentations 3:19

I can remember exactly what his skin feels like.  Not in a sexual way but in an everyday, hand holding or simple hug kind of way.  I remember his hands closed around my face just because I needed to feel that close to someone.  I remember my head fitting perfectly between his shoulder and chest... my mahali... my place.  This is what I remember, and I miss it so much I can't catch my breath.

I can't seem to remember having to change clothes or have him leave without me.  I also can't remember having to cook an entirely new meal because the first one wasn't good enough or what he wanted.  I can't remember being negated after every phrase, especially if we were with people.  I can't even seem to remember asking God if I could just go home now instead of trying to live graciously through the pain that was my wedding vow.

Some would say it is a blessing to struggle to remember the bad and the bitter of life.  I suppose there is truth to that.  Maybe I've always been this way, or maybe, as my social worker friends would say, I have learned such a behavior as a survival mechanism.  So yeah, I guess when I was in the midst of the flames a short lived memory of all that was wrong was a wonderful gift.

But what about now?  How can I convince my heart to stay away when my mind refuses to let me feel the pain?  When all I want is a hand on my cheek, how can I force myself to feel all the nights spent worrying and crying and wondering as the bed stayed empty into the late hours (or sometimes the early ones.)

I questioned myself today if I wanted to go back, if nothing ever changes would I prefer that life to the unknown future?  I still have no answer.  I have seen true beauty in the man I married and believe so strongly that he can be that man.  God created him to be the wonderful man.  I will never give up hope of that, never give up on restoration.  But now is the time to remember the trouble and the bitter feelings, to allow the Holy Spirit to heal the wounds I have somehow buried deep, and to trust in God who is the only one that can not only restore what was but create something new and abundantly better.