Whoever digs a pit will fall into it. Proverbs 26:27

That's me, a pit digger, and today I am licking my wounds.

I thought things were going to change, maybe not everything and immediately, but I finally felt like maybe he would try.  Like maybe he really was sorry.  Like maybe he would choose me. I dug myself a pit of hopeful maybe's and I let myself tumble right down to the bottom of it.

And here I stay, at the bottom of my pit, but the hopeful has become hopeless,  and the maybes are only here to mock me.  The worst part is I feel like I've been in this exact same pit before!  This same pit, in fact is where I met my husband and thought him to be a hero, come to pull me out of it.

When I was in Kenya my biggest struggles were with a group of village elders.  I would meet quite frequently with these men and always, in the large group, their response was positive and their favorite phrase was, 'Its's ok!'  (which means: yes lets do that)  But ALWAYS at the end of our group meetings someone was delegated to come to me one on one and break the news, 'but lets still talk about this.' (which means: we actually don't agree and don't want you to move forward)  This was my reality for nearly a year.  A reality which cost me my sanity, my health, my reputation, and my confidence.  This is a reality that, still today, threatens to undo me at every turn.

So today, when the response to my terms for returning to our home was 'It's ok, but lets still talk about this' I fell into the darkest pit my gut could conjure and now I feel more broken than when I started.

Mankind is, by nature, a selfish species.  I am no exception to that rule and fight daily against the nature that screams for self and only whispers where others are concerned.  Because I so fear this dangerous sin I am highly susceptible to suggestions that my desires and even needs stem from selfishness.  But how can it be selfish to ask to be chosen by the one who already claimed to do so?  Is it truly selfish to ask to be considered of higher value than a felt covered table and an addictive (expensive) beverage?  How could it be selfish to ask that someone prefer time with their spouse over time spent at a bar? The same bar that lead to hundreds of sleepless nights. The bar that witnessed the destruction of the character of the man I love.  The bar that served my husband his last drink right before he was arrested for driving while intoxicated.  That same bar that introduced my husband to the girl he would pursue in a way that would destroy my ability to trust, or feel wanted, or feel sane.

I'm not so naive.  I know that this is not selfish but, oh, how my heart aches for a different response.  My heart aches for a repentance that leads not only to the end of weekend extravagance, but to kneeling, tear stained apologies.  A repentance that fills my heart with the acceptance that I was not at fault and that I did deserve more than I was given.  A repentance that leads to restoration that leads to re-creation.

At the bottom of my hopeless pit of maybes, my heart aches.