This is my last night in my hotel room. I am afraid I have wasted this time. I am afraid that there was no point to this time. I am afraid that time will never be the same.
I've kept myself busy to avoid letting whatever this is really grab hold of my heart. I have worked and made lists and flipped mindlessly through channels cursing the commercials for various reasons. I have avoided phone calls, fielded multiple texts, and though I'm ashamed to admit it I have tried much to hard to cyber-stalk a name that I have no face to go with.
I do not know what comes next, but I have decided that somehow I need to find the tiniest place inside of me that may feel worthy of pursuit and effort. Is there anything inside of me that is strong enough to say, 'prove to me that the love you claim to feel is more than a issue of met needs and convenience and obligation?'
I don't know if I have that inside of me. I still cannot conjure the pictures of countless nights passed wailing in the floor, of the anxiety that has a permanent seat on my shoulders, of the many frustrated faces on my friends who have had their invitations turned down too often.
However, I also cannot seem to conjure pictures of the me that I used to be. I cannot remember the joy and the adventure and the generosity that I always thought was simply part of the stitching together of who I was from inside the womb. It is because I can no longer imagine that version of me that I need to find the strength to pursue pursuit.
If I'm dreadfully honest, at the risk of a few eye rolls, I have never felt very worthy of anyones affection. I have always struggled, with or without cause, to trust in the ability of absolutely anyone to genuinely care for me. This is not a great starting place for a marriage, I am aware. And there is extreme danger when a long history of feeling unworthy is met with an acute selfishness and disregard for the needs of the one you claimed to love deeply and eternally.
So I need to start over. I need first to decide that I could be worthy of real, gut turning, world rocking love. I then need to expect that kind of love and pursuit from the man who once promised it to me. Perhaps that wonderful man who I met so many years ago and somehow lost, can come back to me and do the hard work of helping me see myself as someone who is worth all of his time and effort and attention.
So I'm not going home yet. Gosh, is crushes my soul to think that. I am wound tight with fear of what it means and what the reaction will be. But I am going to fight for the man that I love to come back to God, back to himself and back to me... I do not know if he will be willing or how long it might take but I have to try. I miss him, I miss me, and I miss the hope that we could be something great.
If it is the man who must pursue his bride as Christ loved and pursues the church then I suppose I am placing our path into the hands of the only man I will ever marry. I can only pray he finds me worth of the effort and not simply a waste of his time, a waste of his life, or a mistake.
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