Hide me under the shadow of your wing. Psalm 17:8

Today I wanted to run away.  To hide from all that my life has become and pretend that it was never so.

My heart metaphorically aches constantly, and my head literally aches along with it.  I feel as though everything around me is crumbling and I can't pick up the pieces fast enough.  I can't possibly hold it all together and the most devastating part is- I don't even feel like i'm trying very hard.  I feel like the laziest person on the planet.  My energy level, my emotional and mental capacities are all at zero.  Even my spiritual resources, which have always been my shield and my sword get me no further than the occasional, 'oh God please, no more!'

If I could only find one good thing.  One thing that felt like it might not fall apart at any moment.  But I can't.

Marriage -That's pretty much salt already
Finance- I keep scraping and pulling and writing down and begging but still end up borrowing
Health- My weight is at an all time high and rising, I haven't eaten a fruit or vegetable in months, I can't walk up a flight of stairs and my head feels like theirs a knife stuck in it... need I go on?
Work- To have been working for almost 3 years we have only a hand full of participants, few who have moved forward at all and we don't even have the budget to make the year
Family- They're all falling apart and criticizing each other and me and themselves and I can't even
Friendships- The few I have, surely can't survive the mess I'm making of my life for long

So why not run away.  How else does one start over?  Why is there no such thing as a clean slate?  All I have the strength to do today is cry out to God once more:

Hide me under the shadow of your wing!! (I'm glad its a strong wing cause there is an avalanche threatening to fall on my head.)

I have gone astray like a lost sheep; Seek Your servant, For I do not forget Your commandments. Psalm 119:176

I feel lost.  I feel like I am wandering continuously desperately searching for something, and I don't even know what it is, I can only hope I will know it when I find it.  Is is rest I am searching for? Is it peace?  Is it happiness or friendship or purpose understanding?  I don't know and I literally feel that I could pull my hair out and make throw things and take a baseball bat to a bunch of glass stuff.

I really do feel crazy.  I feel like I am losing my mind and, well, whose to say that I'm not.

There is a distinct possibility that my husband may have a personality disorder.  His reactions to the things that have gone on in the past couple of months are not natural human behaviors.  Even if you allow for extreme pride and selfishness factors there are some realities that don't seem to reach all the way into his understanding.  I don't know what to do with this information but I recently found myself wondering, if he has a personality disorder what is wrong with me?

What is wrong with the person who begs to be apologized to?  What is wrong with the person who sets very lenient boundaries and then pushes them back even further when they are crossed?  What is wrong with the person who keeps convincing herself that she has given up and is finished trying to make things better and then finds herself wallowing in a puddle of broken hope?  What is wrong with the person who sees a massage and decides that the proof must lead to sex, or sees a conversation and decides that the proof must lead to a relationship?

Is there something wrong with me?  Is this all on me?  Am I crazy? Am I unlovable?  Is there a reason I feel so lost and lonely and breathless all the time?  Am I broken?

 Am I broken enough yet to start bing pieced back together by the Savior?  

My face is flushed from weeping, And on my eyelids is the shadow of death Job 16:16

I wonder if Hosea ever sat in the kitchen floor weeping?  Did he despair that the woman God called him to love rejected him at every turn?  Did he lose hope and resign himself to a life of misery through obedience?

These are the questions that I've been asking myself over and over since yesterday.  I wish that I had more insight into how Hosea felt about his obedience.  I am sure that we don't because that was not the point that God was trying to make at all.  But last night I felt my heart truly break and now I am not sure that it will ever be the same.

I tried to come home.  I decided to strive for forgiveness and reconciliation.  I knew it wouldn't be perfect but I thought that we had made some progress in truth telling and his desire to change.  Then I tried to come home.  As soon as he felt 'safe' that I was on my way back it was like every conversation we've had for the past 3 weeks never happened.  I was insulted and berated and accused...and I sat in my kitchen floor and wept, for hours.

It wasn't the insults that broke me though, it wasn't the accusations.... what finally did it was the realization that this marriage, and this man would never be what I've hoped and prayed for them to be.  I'm not saying that things might not get better, maybe, just that my husband will never be capable of loving me in the way that I imagine love to be.  He will never choose me first, he will never fight for me, he will never try to understand my perspective in a disagreement.  Those of course are the big ones, but there is also the pain in knowing that he will never surprise me with gifts or shower me with compliments, he will never be the doting husband who wants nothing more than a life of adventure with his wife.  My dear husband will never be or do anything of those things, and because, of course, he is the only husband I will ever have, I will never experience the kind of love that truly makes you feel worthy, or valuable.

I have not lost sight of the Truth.  I am aware that my value and worth must come only from my Father God.  I know in my heart that His love and desire for me are great and that I should bask and live only in that reality.  But I'll be honest, I'm just not there right now. Yes I feel guilty and shameful that I long for my husband to offer me what God has given me to overflowing.  Yes I wish desperately that I could wake up to the reality of Christ's love and how little we need anything else in the world.  But, oh, how I wanted to feel loved.

I wanted to see a look in his eyes that told me that I would never feel lonely again.  I wanted to hear in his voice the calm assurance that I was enough.  I wanted to think that if he had to he would work 14 years as a servant just to claim me.  I wanted to believe him when he said I was the most important thing in the world to him.

Maybe this is a good thing.  Maybe this break in my heart is a breakthrough for my faith.  Maybe now that I know for sure that I will never have what I wanted from my marriage I will be more diligent in looking for it from my Saviour.  Maybe God will take this hole that threatens to devour me and fill it up with the peace that surpasses understanding and joy unspeakable and full of glory.  Maybe now that I have nothing left, he will come to my rescue and I will reach for him and never ever let go.

Oh God, if only I could make this pain go away.  I couldn't even go home to face my parents because I know that I am not well.  My heart is sunken deep into the pit of despair and it would not be fair for them to see me work through such suffering. And so I sit in the middle of the house that should hold such joy and laughter and I weep, and I pray that God would finally allow me to come home and end my losing battle with trying to be holy in this life.

I do not know what comes next.  I don't know if I can continue to live face to face with the disinterest that threatens to undo me completely.  I don't know if I can live with walking away and giving up.  I don't know how long it will be before God renews my strength to make it through the day, or else my mind cracks like my heart and I can no longer manage daily life.

O God, come quickly and rescue me from my despair.  Lift me from this pit and wrap me in the shawl of your hope.  Place my hearts eye on you and you alone and fill me with the strength of your hope.

Even so... Hallelujah

Whoever digs a pit will fall into it. Proverbs 26:27

That's me, a pit digger, and today I am licking my wounds.

I thought things were going to change, maybe not everything and immediately, but I finally felt like maybe he would try.  Like maybe he really was sorry.  Like maybe he would choose me. I dug myself a pit of hopeful maybe's and I let myself tumble right down to the bottom of it.

And here I stay, at the bottom of my pit, but the hopeful has become hopeless,  and the maybes are only here to mock me.  The worst part is I feel like I've been in this exact same pit before!  This same pit, in fact is where I met my husband and thought him to be a hero, come to pull me out of it.

When I was in Kenya my biggest struggles were with a group of village elders.  I would meet quite frequently with these men and always, in the large group, their response was positive and their favorite phrase was, 'Its's ok!'  (which means: yes lets do that)  But ALWAYS at the end of our group meetings someone was delegated to come to me one on one and break the news, 'but lets still talk about this.' (which means: we actually don't agree and don't want you to move forward)  This was my reality for nearly a year.  A reality which cost me my sanity, my health, my reputation, and my confidence.  This is a reality that, still today, threatens to undo me at every turn.

So today, when the response to my terms for returning to our home was 'It's ok, but lets still talk about this' I fell into the darkest pit my gut could conjure and now I feel more broken than when I started.

Mankind is, by nature, a selfish species.  I am no exception to that rule and fight daily against the nature that screams for self and only whispers where others are concerned.  Because I so fear this dangerous sin I am highly susceptible to suggestions that my desires and even needs stem from selfishness.  But how can it be selfish to ask to be chosen by the one who already claimed to do so?  Is it truly selfish to ask to be considered of higher value than a felt covered table and an addictive (expensive) beverage?  How could it be selfish to ask that someone prefer time with their spouse over time spent at a bar? The same bar that lead to hundreds of sleepless nights. The bar that witnessed the destruction of the character of the man I love.  The bar that served my husband his last drink right before he was arrested for driving while intoxicated.  That same bar that introduced my husband to the girl he would pursue in a way that would destroy my ability to trust, or feel wanted, or feel sane.

I'm not so naive.  I know that this is not selfish but, oh, how my heart aches for a different response.  My heart aches for a repentance that leads not only to the end of weekend extravagance, but to kneeling, tear stained apologies.  A repentance that fills my heart with the acceptance that I was not at fault and that I did deserve more than I was given.  A repentance that leads to restoration that leads to re-creation.

At the bottom of my hopeless pit of maybes, my heart aches.  

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him Psalm 37:7

This is my struggle.  I have not waited patiently for my Lord.  I have begged and pleaded for the answers I hope for and then I have interjected myself into the situation, trying to manipulate the response I desire.  Oh, how selfish and unfaithful I am.

I want my marriage back.  Correction: I want A marriage back, not the one I left, but a good and holy and happy one.  Is it wrong of me to want this so badly?  Is it not in line with the word and will of God that I have such a union?  No, this is not wrong of me.  But it cannot be my first priority!  I have so often blurred the lines between wanting a good marriage and wanting a Godly husband.  I must choose his salvation first!

And here is what I am learning, my deepest struggle.  It will not be me that leads my husband back to Christ and a Godly life.  It will not be me that convicts and forgives his sin.  I am merely a wife, a companion on this earth.  I AM NOT HIS GOD.  It is only God who can convict the sinner of his sin and lead him through the process of repentance.  It is only God that can call my husband out of this darkness that surrounds him and into the light of truth and faith. My attempts to force such revelations and reactions in my husband have only served to anger him and further separate us.

Even now, writing this and knowing it in my heart to be true I am struggling.  I know that if my husband could only see the truth about the life he is leading, if he could allow his pride to fall just enough to truly feel the pain he has caused then we could begin the path to healing.  A path I am yearning to take even now, today.  But it won't be today.  When it begins it won't be because of me.

I must learn to take my begging and pleading before the Lord and leave it there.  I have to remember the God is always faithful to His promises and that He knows what he has designed for my good in this life.  I do not get to, nor should I desire to, decide such things for myself.  I can only pray that God would call to my husbands heart in a way I have been unable to, in a way only the King-Romancer can, and that he will respond in a way that brings him back to Christ and back to me.

Remember my trouble and my traveling from place to place, the wormwood and bitter feelings. Lamentations 3:19

I can remember exactly what his skin feels like.  Not in a sexual way but in an everyday, hand holding or simple hug kind of way.  I remember his hands closed around my face just because I needed to feel that close to someone.  I remember my head fitting perfectly between his shoulder and chest... my mahali... my place.  This is what I remember, and I miss it so much I can't catch my breath.

I can't seem to remember having to change clothes or have him leave without me.  I also can't remember having to cook an entirely new meal because the first one wasn't good enough or what he wanted.  I can't remember being negated after every phrase, especially if we were with people.  I can't even seem to remember asking God if I could just go home now instead of trying to live graciously through the pain that was my wedding vow.

Some would say it is a blessing to struggle to remember the bad and the bitter of life.  I suppose there is truth to that.  Maybe I've always been this way, or maybe, as my social worker friends would say, I have learned such a behavior as a survival mechanism.  So yeah, I guess when I was in the midst of the flames a short lived memory of all that was wrong was a wonderful gift.

But what about now?  How can I convince my heart to stay away when my mind refuses to let me feel the pain?  When all I want is a hand on my cheek, how can I force myself to feel all the nights spent worrying and crying and wondering as the bed stayed empty into the late hours (or sometimes the early ones.)

I questioned myself today if I wanted to go back, if nothing ever changes would I prefer that life to the unknown future?  I still have no answer.  I have seen true beauty in the man I married and believe so strongly that he can be that man.  God created him to be the wonderful man.  I will never give up hope of that, never give up on restoration.  But now is the time to remember the trouble and the bitter feelings, to allow the Holy Spirit to heal the wounds I have somehow buried deep, and to trust in God who is the only one that can not only restore what was but create something new and abundantly better.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. The fire will not destroy you. Isaiah 43:2

Today was the day I had been waiting for.  Not the great reunion day, or the day the mariachi started playing 'Cielito Lindo' under my window, not even the day of the slightest clarity...  No, today was the day that my husband decided to stand firm in his self-justification and turn the blame back to me.

First off, I need to repent.  There was a moment in the call where I lost my control and I struck to hurt, or to see if it was possible to hurt.  When he asked me (for the 3rd time) when I was coming home, I didn't maintain my composure but rather retaliated by asking if there would be another girl there if I did.  While it may be a valid point to the situation that I now find myself in, this was not the time nor the way in which to do it.  Unfortunately I learned my lesson quickly in his sharp response of 'how dare you ask me that question.'

Why was this such a knife to my heart?  Because even still, he does not recognize his relationship with this other girl as sinful.  Do I know how far this relationship went? How long did it last?  Is she the only one?  No, I don't know the answers to any of these questions.  But I believe with all my heart that what I know is enough to validate the label 'betrayal.'

If this dearly beloved, yet greatly deceived, man cannot recognize intimacy with another woman as wrong, how can I maintain hope that he will come to recognize his sins in the other aspect of his life and our marriage?  The ridicule, the neglect, the abuse of alcohol, the lack of stewardship... For what seems impossible to man is made possible through Christ.  Only through a true vision of Jesus Christ will any man ever begin to see himself for the lost soul he has become.

And so I continue to pray;  To lay in sackcloth though the night (metaphorically speaking) and wait for God to restore what the locust have destroyed.

Today was the day I had been waiting for, the day I walked through the fire.  But it will not destroy me for in Christ is my hope and even so, it is well with my soul.

Lord, how long must I wait? Psalm 13:1

One week today.  Has it really been a whole week my love?  Has it truly been seven days since I last made our bed and walked out our door?  It doesn't seem like that long.  It seems like only yesterday that I finally gathered up the strength to pull out of our driveway, not knowing how long I would be gone.

I miss you everyday my love.  But I have missed you every day for years now.  I have missed the you who spoke freely of faith in Christ and the work for His kingdom that we would do together.  I have missed the you that wanted to spend every waking moment with me, and when he couldn't I knew he missed me.  I miss the you who lived a lifestyle that was mature and free from the influence of bad friendships and addictive substances.  I miss the you who could lay in bed with  me for days watching movies, reading books, laughing... How long has it been since I lost that version of you, the you I gladly took to be my husband?

Where have you gone?  Where was my true husband all those nights I cried myself to sleep because you refused to stay home, or because I couldn't find you in the middle of the night (sometimes even the next morning?)  Where was my husband on the days when I was ridiculed by the man who took his place because I was not a good enough wife and my failures drove you to drink and seek pleasure in other places?  Where was my husband when I begged for the slightest glimpse of affection and was pushed away because you were tired or busy with your games?  Where was my husband when I discovered that the man who was missing from my bed was sitting outside the house of another girl begging her to let him in?

Its only been a week since I told you I couldn't stay there anymore my dear, and it has been such a hard week.  But it has been much longer since my heart discovered that my true love was missing and without the presence of my true love I started to find myself missing as well.

I suppose one always hopes when seeking a miracle that it will come quickly, instantly even.  My gut is screaming that a week should have been enough!  My heart is breaking because a week has begun the testing of the limits of my hope.  My mind is dizzy with questions that I cannot possibly find the answers to but for my soul and my spirit there is only one question:

How long must I wait?

I am willing to wait dear husband. For as long as it takes, I will wait.  But I am not waiting for the man who's side I left a week ago today.  I do not know that man and I can no longer pretend to care for him.  I will wait for as long as it takes for the man I first met on a stairway in Kenya.  The man who's smile melted my concerns, the man who's love made me feel wanted for the first time in my life, the man who God placed it in my heart to love.

That man, though he's been gone much too long, is worth waiting for. But, sweet husband of mine, please do not make the wait too long or the waiting too painful. This is what I ask of you.

And I will keep watch to see what the Lord will say, and how I should answer when He speaks strong words to me. Habakuk 2:1

This is the strangest waiting game of my life... and the point is that it isn't a game.. this IS my life.

I keep trying to tell myself to give up.  That it will be easier if I admit that this is an end and that he will never choose to fight for me.  This also happens to be what everyone on the outside is telling me at the moment. But everything inside of me refuses to hear that.  Maybe this refusal is out of pride, or naivety, I've been known to be both.  But what if, just maybe, this is a refusal from the Holy Spirit, whom I have been pleading with for so many years now to change my husbands heart.  What if this inability to give up is His gentle urging to wait... wait for a miracle, wait for redemption, wait for the perfect restoration work of Jesus Christ.  Of course, some may call this wishful thinking, and maybe it is.  I prefer to call it faith, and at the moment it is all I have to hold on to so I do not plan on letting go any time soon.

Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases. Song of Solomon 2:7

This is my last night in my hotel room.  I am afraid I have wasted this time. I am afraid that there was no point to this time.  I am afraid that time will never be the same.

 I've kept myself busy to avoid letting whatever this is really grab hold of my heart.  I  have worked and made lists and flipped mindlessly through channels cursing the commercials for various reasons. I have avoided phone calls, fielded multiple texts, and though I'm ashamed to admit it I have tried much to hard to cyber-stalk a name that I have no face to go with.

I do not know what comes next, but I have decided that somehow I need to find the tiniest place inside of me that may feel worthy of pursuit and effort.  Is there anything inside of me that is strong enough to say, 'prove to me that the love you claim to feel is more than a issue of met needs and convenience and obligation?'

I don't know if I have that inside of me.  I still cannot conjure the pictures of countless nights passed wailing in the floor, of the anxiety that has a permanent seat on my shoulders, of the many frustrated faces on my friends who have had their invitations turned down too often.

However, I also cannot seem to conjure pictures of the me that I used to be.  I cannot remember the joy and the adventure and the generosity that I always thought was simply part of the stitching together of who I was from inside the womb.  It is because I can no longer imagine that version of me that I need to find the strength to pursue pursuit.

If I'm dreadfully honest, at the risk of a few eye rolls, I have never felt very worthy of anyones affection.  I have always struggled, with or without cause, to trust in the ability of absolutely anyone to genuinely care for me.  This is not a great starting place for a marriage, I am aware.  And there is extreme danger when a long history of feeling unworthy is met with an acute selfishness and disregard for the needs of the one you claimed to love deeply and eternally.

So I need to start over.  I need first to decide that I could be worthy of real, gut turning, world rocking love.  I then need to expect that kind of love and pursuit from the man who once promised it to me.  Perhaps that wonderful man who I met so many years ago and somehow lost, can come back to me and do the hard work of helping me see myself as someone who is worth all of his time and effort and attention.

So I'm not going home yet.  Gosh, is crushes my soul to think that.  I am wound tight with fear of what it means and what the reaction will be. But I am going to fight for the man that I love to come back to God, back to himself and back to me... I do not know if he will be willing or how long it might take but I have to try.  I miss him, I miss me, and I miss the hope that we could be something great.

If it is the man who must pursue his bride as Christ loved and pursues the church then I suppose I am placing our path into the hands of the only man I will ever marry. I can only pray he finds me worth of the effort and not simply a waste of his time, a waste of his life, or a mistake.

Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Psalm 25:16

This is the scripture I have found myself praying over and over throughout the past three years.

I have prayed it lying in bed, running around the block, driving through town and weeping in the floor. I have prayed it with full faith that today would be the day I got my 'YES' from God and I have prayed it with the black of hopelessness smothering my soul.

This is the prayer that I prayed on the final day of a 'the rising tides are up over my chin and I've reached that 'more than you can handle' point', seven day fast.

That was a week and a half ago and yesterday afternoon I cleaned my house, finished the laundry and then I packed my suitcase and walked out the door.  Oh I forgot to mention that I left a stack of printed text messages between my husband and his girlfriend laying on the bed.

If at this point you're questioning how this is any kind of response to 'free me from my anguish,' trust me, I hear ya. Honestly my response to that question is this: I have no idea.  But I know this, it is a response.

You see I have been married for three and a half years to a beautiful Kenyan man.  He is charming and playful and ambitious.  He is creative, loyal to his family and loves children.  He can also be controlling and neglectful and at some point he was captured by the allure of alcohol.

I met my husband while I was living in Kenya, hoping to save the world; spiritually and physically.  Needless to say I may have some pride issues.  Hey, when the Bible says 'I can do all things through Christ' I took that seriously.  Anyway, I moved to Kenya to teach social justice to local missionaries and ministers and to eventually network my way into refugee camps. I will save you a long pity party by saying that my time in Kenya was the hardest of my life, or at least up to that point.

My husband was what held me together through that time.  He was caring, engaged, and concerned.  He was protective and helpful and thoughtful.  I was impressed by his relentless optimism and unabashed faith in the 'just give it to God and it will be fine' mentality.  As much as I love my God and believe in His promises, I have never been quite so solid in the 'let go and let God' way of life. But this man made me believe that I could be, and that if I couldn't, he would help me find the balance between blind optimism and crushing anxiety.

And then we came to the US.  We spent 11 months apart while waiting on the immigration process. After what I considered a colossal failure in Kenya I could only think of one thing: Get him here and get married and get back to the good and right and happy of life.  Unfortunately marriage was not to be that for us.

Our issues literally started on the night of our wedding and it seems like peace has been illusive ever since.  We are in no way the people that we expected one another to be. I cannot really be sure if we have changed throughout our time together or if we were trying too hard to impress one other while we were in Kenya, or maybe something happened during our 11 months apart.  The result is that neither of us have been entirely pleased with the person we now call spouse.  I am also convinced that neither of us has been entirely pleased with the person we now call self.

As I mentioned earlier, I have some pride issues and failure of any size is detrimental for me.  I am still reeling from the 'failure' of the ministry in Kenya and so I have been determined that my marriage would not reach that point.  I have prayed, yes, incessantly.  I have also, mostly, relied heavily on my own stubbornness and fortitude to keep going while constantly telling myself that it would get better.  I told myself that I could be a better wife.  I told myself that God would make us the miracle couple that inspires generations of broken couples to return to one other.  I told myself that I should just let God be enough and not let the brokenness of my husband and my marriage effect me so much.  Despite all of my self talk and perseverance, here I am three and a half years later, alone in a hotel room, wondering if this will me another tear smeared addition to my failure list.

Despite that, despite the hole in my gut and the agonizing pain in my heart, I know and believe, maybe for the first time in years, that God has heard my prayer.  I do not know what His final answer will be.  I do not know how long it will take for me to feel free from my anguish.  But I have an inexplicable peace and even a slice of joy in this; that when I was at the worlds edge and the waters rose too high, God changed the scenery and reminded me of his sovereignty.

I still feel lost in a fog and I am terrified every second I allow myself to remember what is happening.   I do not know what to do next or what to believe or how to be strong and brave.  How can it be so hard to remember years of crying oneself to sleep?  But I will find strength is Christ and courage in His Spirit.  I will trust in the goodness of God and the promise of His plans for the benefit of those who love Him.  I will maintain hope in the possibility of redemption and a marriage that glorifies God and offers companionship, edification and respite.

I will continue to wait upon the Lord for relief from the troubles of my heart and freedom from my anguish.

I will continue to wait upon the Lord for relief from the troubles of my heart and freedom from my anguish.

I will continue to wait upon the Lord for relief from the troubles of my heart and freedom from my anguish.