I wonder if Hosea ever sat in the kitchen floor weeping? Did he despair that the woman God called him to love rejected him at every turn? Did he lose hope and resign himself to a life of misery through obedience?
These are the questions that I've been asking myself over and over since yesterday. I wish that I had more insight into how Hosea felt about his obedience. I am sure that we don't because that was not the point that God was trying to make at all. But last night I felt my heart truly break and now I am not sure that it will ever be the same.
I tried to come home. I decided to strive for forgiveness and reconciliation. I knew it wouldn't be perfect but I thought that we had made some progress in truth telling and his desire to change. Then I tried to come home. As soon as he felt 'safe' that I was on my way back it was like every conversation we've had for the past 3 weeks never happened. I was insulted and berated and accused...and I sat in my kitchen floor and wept, for hours.
It wasn't the insults that broke me though, it wasn't the accusations.... what finally did it was the realization that this marriage, and this man would never be what I've hoped and prayed for them to be. I'm not saying that things might not get better, maybe, just that my husband will never be capable of loving me in the way that I imagine love to be. He will never choose me first, he will never fight for me, he will never try to understand my perspective in a disagreement. Those of course are the big ones, but there is also the pain in knowing that he will never surprise me with gifts or shower me with compliments, he will never be the doting husband who wants nothing more than a life of adventure with his wife. My dear husband will never be or do anything of those things, and because, of course, he is the only husband I will ever have, I will never experience the kind of love that truly makes you feel worthy, or valuable.
I have not lost sight of the Truth. I am aware that my value and worth must come only from my Father God. I know in my heart that His love and desire for me are great and that I should bask and live only in that reality. But I'll be honest, I'm just not there right now. Yes I feel guilty and shameful that I long for my husband to offer me what God has given me to overflowing. Yes I wish desperately that I could wake up to the reality of Christ's love and how little we need anything else in the world. But, oh, how I wanted to feel loved.
I wanted to see a look in his eyes that told me that I would never feel lonely again. I wanted to hear in his voice the calm assurance that I was enough. I wanted to think that if he had to he would work 14 years as a servant just to claim me. I wanted to believe him when he said I was the most important thing in the world to him.
Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this break in my heart is a breakthrough for my faith. Maybe now that I know for sure that I will never have what I wanted from my marriage I will be more diligent in looking for it from my Saviour. Maybe God will take this hole that threatens to devour me and fill it up with the peace that surpasses understanding and joy unspeakable and full of glory. Maybe now that I have nothing left, he will come to my rescue and I will reach for him and never ever let go.
Oh God, if only I could make this pain go away. I couldn't even go home to face my parents because I know that I am not well. My heart is sunken deep into the pit of despair and it would not be fair for them to see me work through such suffering. And so I sit in the middle of the house that should hold such joy and laughter and I weep, and I pray that God would finally allow me to come home and end my losing battle with trying to be holy in this life.
I do not know what comes next. I don't know if I can continue to live face to face with the disinterest that threatens to undo me completely. I don't know if I can live with walking away and giving up. I don't know how long it will be before God renews my strength to make it through the day, or else my mind cracks like my heart and I can no longer manage daily life.
O God, come quickly and rescue me from my despair. Lift me from this pit and wrap me in the shawl of your hope. Place my hearts eye on you and you alone and fill me with the strength of your hope.
Even so... Hallelujah
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