I feel lost. I feel like I am wandering continuously desperately searching for something, and I don't even know what it is, I can only hope I will know it when I find it. Is is rest I am searching for? Is it peace? Is it happiness or friendship or purpose understanding? I don't know and I literally feel that I could pull my hair out and make throw things and take a baseball bat to a bunch of glass stuff.
I really do feel crazy. I feel like I am losing my mind and, well, whose to say that I'm not.
There is a distinct possibility that my husband may have a personality disorder. His reactions to the things that have gone on in the past couple of months are not natural human behaviors. Even if you allow for extreme pride and selfishness factors there are some realities that don't seem to reach all the way into his understanding. I don't know what to do with this information but I recently found myself wondering, if he has a personality disorder what is wrong with me?
What is wrong with the person who begs to be apologized to? What is wrong with the person who sets very lenient boundaries and then pushes them back even further when they are crossed? What is wrong with the person who keeps convincing herself that she has given up and is finished trying to make things better and then finds herself wallowing in a puddle of broken hope? What is wrong with the person who sees a massage and decides that the proof must lead to sex, or sees a conversation and decides that the proof must lead to a relationship?
Is there something wrong with me? Is this all on me? Am I crazy? Am I unlovable? Is there a reason I feel so lost and lonely and breathless all the time? Am I broken?
Am I broken enough yet to start bing pieced back together by the Savior?
No comments:
Post a Comment