How the gold has lost its luster, the fine gold become dull! The sacred gems are scattered at every street corner. Lamentations 4:1

Everything seems dull. Less sharp.  I do not weep, I do not curse, I do not even sigh with relief.  I merely am.  

My head is spinning in circles. My dreams are plagued with the anxieties of my waking life. I feel overwhelmed and completely unsure. 

God, where is my miracle?  Is it wrong to still hope for it?  

I still see the beauty of the man I married.  Though he showed that beauty so seldom, I still think of it, hope for it, almost expect it. 

But now, I am trapped.  Trapped in my own madness.  Locked inside of a body and mind that refuse to yield to the crushing of this circumstance. What might yielding lead to? 

I am desperate for someone to understand, to hear what I cannot say, to feel what I cannot allow myself to feel. Yet, in the midst of the desperation I also long for solitude, and quiet.  I long for distraction and for stillness.  

Nothing makes sense right now, everything is dull and I simply am.  Maybe in these ruins I will somehow see the glory of God in his mysterious ways.