One week today. Has it really been a whole week my love? Has it truly been seven days since I last made our bed and walked out our door? It doesn't seem like that long. It seems like only yesterday that I finally gathered up the strength to pull out of our driveway, not knowing how long I would be gone.
I miss you everyday my love. But I have missed you every day for years now. I have missed the you who spoke freely of faith in Christ and the work for His kingdom that we would do together. I have missed the you that wanted to spend every waking moment with me, and when he couldn't I knew he missed me. I miss the you who lived a lifestyle that was mature and free from the influence of bad friendships and addictive substances. I miss the you who could lay in bed with me for days watching movies, reading books, laughing... How long has it been since I lost that version of you, the you I gladly took to be my husband?
Where have you gone? Where was my true husband all those nights I cried myself to sleep because you refused to stay home, or because I couldn't find you in the middle of the night (sometimes even the next morning?) Where was my husband on the days when I was ridiculed by the man who took his place because I was not a good enough wife and my failures drove you to drink and seek pleasure in other places? Where was my husband when I begged for the slightest glimpse of affection and was pushed away because you were tired or busy with your games? Where was my husband when I discovered that the man who was missing from my bed was sitting outside the house of another girl begging her to let him in?
Its only been a week since I told you I couldn't stay there anymore my dear, and it has been such a hard week. But it has been much longer since my heart discovered that my true love was missing and without the presence of my true love I started to find myself missing as well.
I suppose one always hopes when seeking a miracle that it will come quickly, instantly even. My gut is screaming that a week should have been enough! My heart is breaking because a week has begun the testing of the limits of my hope. My mind is dizzy with questions that I cannot possibly find the answers to but for my soul and my spirit there is only one question:
How long must I wait?
I am willing to wait dear husband. For as long as it takes, I will wait. But I am not waiting for the man who's side I left a week ago today. I do not know that man and I can no longer pretend to care for him. I will wait for as long as it takes for the man I first met on a stairway in Kenya. The man who's smile melted my concerns, the man who's love made me feel wanted for the first time in my life, the man who God placed it in my heart to love.
That man, though he's been gone much too long, is worth waiting for. But, sweet husband of mine, please do not make the wait too long or the waiting too painful. This is what I ask of you.
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