Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him Psalm 37:7

This is my struggle.  I have not waited patiently for my Lord.  I have begged and pleaded for the answers I hope for and then I have interjected myself into the situation, trying to manipulate the response I desire.  Oh, how selfish and unfaithful I am.

I want my marriage back.  Correction: I want A marriage back, not the one I left, but a good and holy and happy one.  Is it wrong of me to want this so badly?  Is it not in line with the word and will of God that I have such a union?  No, this is not wrong of me.  But it cannot be my first priority!  I have so often blurred the lines between wanting a good marriage and wanting a Godly husband.  I must choose his salvation first!

And here is what I am learning, my deepest struggle.  It will not be me that leads my husband back to Christ and a Godly life.  It will not be me that convicts and forgives his sin.  I am merely a wife, a companion on this earth.  I AM NOT HIS GOD.  It is only God who can convict the sinner of his sin and lead him through the process of repentance.  It is only God that can call my husband out of this darkness that surrounds him and into the light of truth and faith. My attempts to force such revelations and reactions in my husband have only served to anger him and further separate us.

Even now, writing this and knowing it in my heart to be true I am struggling.  I know that if my husband could only see the truth about the life he is leading, if he could allow his pride to fall just enough to truly feel the pain he has caused then we could begin the path to healing.  A path I am yearning to take even now, today.  But it won't be today.  When it begins it won't be because of me.

I must learn to take my begging and pleading before the Lord and leave it there.  I have to remember the God is always faithful to His promises and that He knows what he has designed for my good in this life.  I do not get to, nor should I desire to, decide such things for myself.  I can only pray that God would call to my husbands heart in a way I have been unable to, in a way only the King-Romancer can, and that he will respond in a way that brings him back to Christ and back to me.