Today was the day I had been waiting for. Not the great reunion day, or the day the mariachi started playing 'Cielito Lindo' under my window, not even the day of the slightest clarity... No, today was the day that my husband decided to stand firm in his self-justification and turn the blame back to me.
First off, I need to repent. There was a moment in the call where I lost my control and I struck to hurt, or to see if it was possible to hurt. When he asked me (for the 3rd time) when I was coming home, I didn't maintain my composure but rather retaliated by asking if there would be another girl there if I did. While it may be a valid point to the situation that I now find myself in, this was not the time nor the way in which to do it. Unfortunately I learned my lesson quickly in his sharp response of 'how dare you ask me that question.'
Why was this such a knife to my heart? Because even still, he does not recognize his relationship with this other girl as sinful. Do I know how far this relationship went? How long did it last? Is she the only one? No, I don't know the answers to any of these questions. But I believe with all my heart that what I know is enough to validate the label 'betrayal.'
If this dearly beloved, yet greatly deceived, man cannot recognize intimacy with another woman as wrong, how can I maintain hope that he will come to recognize his sins in the other aspect of his life and our marriage? The ridicule, the neglect, the abuse of alcohol, the lack of stewardship... For what seems impossible to man is made possible through Christ. Only through a true vision of Jesus Christ will any man ever begin to see himself for the lost soul he has become.
And so I continue to pray; To lay in sackcloth though the night (metaphorically speaking) and wait for God to restore what the locust have destroyed.
Today was the day I had been waiting for, the day I walked through the fire. But it will not destroy me for in Christ is my hope and even so, it is well with my soul.
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