This is the scripture I have found myself praying over and over throughout the past three years.
I have prayed it lying in bed, running around the block, driving through town and weeping in the floor. I have prayed it with full faith that today would be the day I got my 'YES' from God and I have prayed it with the black of hopelessness smothering my soul.
This is the prayer that I prayed on the final day of a 'the rising tides are up over my chin and I've reached that 'more than you can handle' point', seven day fast.
That was a week and a half ago and yesterday afternoon I cleaned my house, finished the laundry and then I packed my suitcase and walked out the door. Oh I forgot to mention that I left a stack of printed text messages between my husband and his girlfriend laying on the bed.
If at this point you're questioning how this is any kind of response to 'free me from my anguish,' trust me, I hear ya. Honestly my response to that question is this: I have no idea. But I know this, it is a response.
You see I have been married for three and a half years to a beautiful Kenyan man. He is charming and playful and ambitious. He is creative, loyal to his family and loves children. He can also be controlling and neglectful and at some point he was captured by the allure of alcohol.
I met my husband while I was living in Kenya, hoping to save the world; spiritually and physically. Needless to say I may have some pride issues. Hey, when the Bible says 'I can do all things through Christ' I took that seriously. Anyway, I moved to Kenya to teach social justice to local missionaries and ministers and to eventually network my way into refugee camps. I will save you a long pity party by saying that my time in Kenya was the hardest of my life, or at least up to that point.
My husband was what held me together through that time. He was caring, engaged, and concerned. He was protective and helpful and thoughtful. I was impressed by his relentless optimism and unabashed faith in the 'just give it to God and it will be fine' mentality. As much as I love my God and believe in His promises, I have never been quite so solid in the 'let go and let God' way of life. But this man made me believe that I could be, and that if I couldn't, he would help me find the balance between blind optimism and crushing anxiety.
And then we came to the US. We spent 11 months apart while waiting on the immigration process. After what I considered a colossal failure in Kenya I could only think of one thing: Get him here and get married and get back to the good and right and happy of life. Unfortunately marriage was not to be that for us.
Our issues literally started on the night of our wedding and it seems like peace has been illusive ever since. We are in no way the people that we expected one another to be. I cannot really be sure if we have changed throughout our time together or if we were trying too hard to impress one other while we were in Kenya, or maybe something happened during our 11 months apart. The result is that neither of us have been entirely pleased with the person we now call spouse. I am also convinced that neither of us has been entirely pleased with the person we now call self.
As I mentioned earlier, I have some pride issues and failure of any size is detrimental for me. I am still reeling from the 'failure' of the ministry in Kenya and so I have been determined that my marriage would not reach that point. I have prayed, yes, incessantly. I have also, mostly, relied heavily on my own stubbornness and fortitude to keep going while constantly telling myself that it would get better. I told myself that I could be a better wife. I told myself that God would make us the miracle couple that inspires generations of broken couples to return to one other. I told myself that I should just let God be enough and not let the brokenness of my husband and my marriage effect me so much. Despite all of my self talk and perseverance, here I am three and a half years later, alone in a hotel room, wondering if this will me another tear smeared addition to my failure list.
Despite that, despite the hole in my gut and the agonizing pain in my heart, I know and believe, maybe for the first time in years, that God has heard my prayer. I do not know what His final answer will be. I do not know how long it will take for me to feel free from my anguish. But I have an inexplicable peace and even a slice of joy in this; that when I was at the worlds edge and the waters rose too high, God changed the scenery and reminded me of his sovereignty.
I still feel lost in a fog and I am terrified every second I allow myself to remember what is happening. I do not know what to do next or what to believe or how to be strong and brave. How can it be so hard to remember years of crying oneself to sleep? But I will find strength is Christ and courage in His Spirit. I will trust in the goodness of God and the promise of His plans for the benefit of those who love Him. I will maintain hope in the possibility of redemption and a marriage that glorifies God and offers companionship, edification and respite.
I will continue to wait upon the Lord for relief from the troubles of my heart and freedom from my anguish.
I will continue to wait upon the Lord for relief from the troubles of my heart and freedom from my anguish.
I will continue to wait upon the Lord for relief from the troubles of my heart and freedom from my anguish.
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